loving provision.

from my daily sanctuary:
i must admit, i am more confident that You love me when i see enough money coming in to pay the bills each month, when the basement does not leak every time it rains, when the doctor's report is good. it's not hard to be convinced of Your love when all the vital signs are stable.
i am of my generation. but i am of Your generation too. i sit on a grassy knoll in the remote plains of the decapolis. i have come to hear You teach, yes, but i am also here to see the signs. signs are important for belief. otherwise, how will i know for sure?
You don't disappoint me. it's been three days since my last meal. my stomach is empty. the breadbaskets are empty, and it's a long way to the nearest bakery. now would be a good time to recieve a sign, Lord. i need bread. i shoot a one-minute prayer arrow straight to heaven: "help needed, Lord, send the bread like You did for moses and the people of israel. manna from heaven. good for the body. good for the soul. good for my faith."
You send the love sign, stroll through the crowd producing bread as though You'd been elbow deep in yeast since two this morning. i fill my plate. stuff my pockets. take some extra just in case. there's plenty for all. Your love is lavish.
i feel hugged by heaven. reaffirmed by the sign. renewed in conference that You do love me and remember me when i am sitting far away from the bakery, without any bread. "what a God of love!" i write in my journal. i am comfortably satisfied and strong in faith.

sweet baby girl.

what a day it's been! first thing's first - niece number four has arrived! little miss ari jade made an early debut this morning at 9:16, weighing in at 5 pounds 12 ounces and measuring 19 inches. after waiting several long hours for the nicu to clear her respitory monitoring, the entire phillips clan gathered to bathe her, hold her, and ooh and ahh at her every breath. what a glorious, glorious day. :)
i completed my sophomore year of college yesterday and set out for my sister's home just in time to hear her say, "i think i'm in labor!" that's right, aunt peanut was the lucky one to chauffer her big sister to mercy. :D tiny job, yes i know, but it was also the one instant i sped and felt pleased with myself for it. be jealous.
after a grueling and extremely brave labor lasting well over 16 hours, my sweet sister gave us another gorgeous baby girl. i'm so so proud of them both. :)

something beautiful.

my church and i spent time yesterday serving at a splendid ministry called all things baby, which a woman from our campus started in her garage last year. i cannot brag on this ministry enough! courtney had a desire to combat abortion, and He has overwhelmed her prayers by providing both a warehouse to house clothing, diapers, furniture, toys [you name it!] for new mothers, and also an office where she will hopefully minister to hurting women who have experienced past abortions with bible studies and love. part of our group painted this new office yesterday, but only after many of us wrote prayers on the walls for this new place. i wish i had taken a picture before two coats of beige were slathered on, but i'm sure you can picture the beauty of it all regardless. :)

ballet lessons.

call me crazy, but i think i'm possibly insanely biased toward my three precious nieces. these last three and a half years, i've found myself scrambling to etch all of their little moments and eccentricities into memory so that, as my siblings and parents so affectionately do with me, i can relay them to the older versions of sydni, zoey, and kaitlyn. par example, kaitlyn is terrified of automatic flushers in public restrooms. she will refuse to do her business - or, at the very least, complete it with her fingers in her ears - if the toilet flushes without her consent. she also has an imaginary brother named carson who lives at the circus. :) i'll never forget the time that i asked my mom to pluck my out of control eyebrows, and sydni and zoey began to sob and beg her to stop because they were convinced i was in pain (which we all know is truuue). sydni is also in a phase of adoration for that nasty arm & hammer toothpaste with baking soda. she claims it's "nice and minty". priceless. :)
so, of course, this brings me to yet another opportunity for bragging on one of my girls. last week at kaitlyn's ballet practice, one of the little girls in her group had an accident in the studio. as my sister scrambled to help the girl's mom clean up, kaitlyn did an amazing job of getting the other dancers to shift their focus away from the embrassing moment. she marched right up to the little girl, put an arm around her, and announced, "it's alright, i sometimes have accidents too."
what a kid.

the unrelieved quest.

from today's passage in oswald chambers' my utmost for His highest:

feed My sheep. // john 21:17
this is love in the making. the love of God is tin-made, it is God's nature. when we receive the Holy Spirit, He unites us with God so that His love is manifested in us. when the soul is united to God by the indwelling Holy Spirit, that is not the end; the end is that we may be one with the Father as Jesus was. what kind of oneness had Jesus Christ with the Father? such a oneness that the Father sent Him down here to be spent for us, and He says - "as the Father hath sent Me, even so send I you."
peter realizes now with the revelation of the Lord's hurting question that he does love Him; then comes the point - "spend it out." don't testify how much you love Me, don't profess about the marvellous revelation you have had, but - "feed My sheep." and Jesus has some extraordinarily funny sheep, some bedraggled, dirty sheep, some awkward, butting sheep, some sheep that have gone astray! it is impossible to weary God's love, and it is impossible to weary that love in me if it springs from the one center. the love of God pays no attention to the distinctions made by natural individuality. if i love my Lord i have no business to be guided by natural temperament; i have to feed His sheep. there is no relief and no release from this commission. beware of counterfeiting the love of God by working along the line of natural human sympathy, because that will end in blaspheming the love of God.

kitchen courage.

wanna hear a good story?

thought so.

my family is all about reminding one another to "make good choices," and if you've ever heard me talk to my nieces on the telephone, you know this is something my siblings ask me to reaffirm during everyday conversations. in between time-outs and crying episodes over missing any action with a nap, good choices are still a big chunk of their conduct. my girls are so sweet and brilliant, and i couldn't wait to jot this story down to show you just how valid my bias is. :)

earlier this week, as my sister picked up kaitlyn belle from pre-school, kaitlyn very quickly admitted, "mom, i made a bad choice today. i was mean to emily and wouldn't share while we were playing at the kitchen."

my sister, who has always prided herself on talking to kaitlyn in a very mature manner, thanked her for her honesty and explained how important it was to make things right by apologizing to emily the following day.

"but mom, i'm scared." here is where miss belle apparently had a very grief-stricken expression on her face. sweet girl.

"i know, honey. it's sometimes hard and scary to ask someone to forgive you, but it's the right thing to do. you'll be so proud of yourself when it's done."

though it took my sweet girl another day to work up the courage to approach emily at the play-kitchen area, she couldn't wait to tell her proud mama the results.

"mom! i apologized to emily today! she hugged me and told me, 'it's okay - we're still best friends'!"

oh, to be three years old again and have the world fall into place while playing house. i'm so proud.

what would our lives look like if we weren't afraid to admit transgression and ask for someone's forgiveness?

o, israel.

how closely our own stories resemble that of israel's. i pray this chapter from the prophet hosea will challenge and permeate you tonight.
//
"when israel was a child, I loved him, and I called My son out of egypt.
but the more I called to him, the farther he moved from Me,
offering sacrifices to the images of baal and burning incense to idols.
I myself taught israel how to walk, leading him along by the hand.
but he doesn't know or even care that it was I who took care of him.
I led israel along with my ropes of kindness and love.
I lifted the yoke from his neck,
and I myself stooped to feed him.

but since My people refuse to return to me, they will return to egypt
and will be forced to serve assyria.
war will swirl through their cities;
their enemies will crash through their gates. they will destroy them,
trapping them in their own evil plans.
for My people are determined to desert me.
they call Me the Most High, but they don't truly honor Me.
oh, how can I give you up, israel?
how can I let you go?
how can I destroy you like admah or demolish you like zeboiim?
My heart is torn within me, and My compassion overflows.
no, I will not unleash my fierce anger.
I will not completely destroy israel,
for I am a God and not a mere mortal.
I am the Holy One among you, and I will not come to destroy.
for someday the people will follow Me. I, the LORD, will roar like a lion.
and when I roar, My people will return trembling from the west.
like a flock of birds, thy will come from egypt. trembling like doves, they will return from assyria.
and I will bring them home again," says the Lord.
[hosea 11]

someday.

it is hard to believe how quickly a year can pass, how four seasons can complete their cycle in what seems like a flash. it has been a year since brady passed away, a precious little boy who words cannot do justice. my first love's baby cousin touched a multitude more than i can ever hope to touch, and on february 3rd - his sixth birthday - he was released from the pain and obstacles which had plagued him during his short time here. i attended his memorial service on my birthday last year, which i have often described as the most horrific and most precious day of my life. i dearly wish i could detail it much further than that, but his legacy really speaks the loudest. hundreds of friends, family members, nurses and doctors, even news anchors, were present to celebrate brady. the following night i posted this note, pleading for prayer for this wonderful family i came to love. tonight my plea is the same.
-
oh great God, be small enough to hear us now.
my heart has never ached so uncontrollably for another's anguish, and i'm astonished at how unaware i once was of what it means to mourn with those who mourn.
it isn't right to hear a mother and father wail for their child.
it isn't right for this beautiful, brave woman to acknowledge my birthday on the very day she's burying her youngest son.
yesterday was amazing, precious, and devestating.
i witnessed how one quiet but mighty soul touched thousands of individuals - something few of us will ever accomplish, but a feat brady conquered within six years.
i rejoiced for a boy who i only had the chance to be in the presence of for a handful of occasions, for a man among children who required only one brief encounter to make you fall in love with him.
i smiled at the thought of all the foods he is finally getting to taste, all of the songs and laughter he is finally getting to hear, all of the races he is finally getting to win.
and i continue to weep for the matchless family that had to give him up to Heaven.
they are all i see when i close my eyes at night. this heavy, horrible feeling consumes my chest when i even begin to think about it. i always thought there came a time when one was all cried out.
i now know that is only an awful myth.
i beg, i plead with you to pray for this group of people i love. if i could only ask you one thing for the rest of time, this would be it. pray for peace to be imparted tonight. pray for joy to show its face soon. pray for comfort to surround ripped and torn hearts. but i think this beautiful boy would also beg you to celebrate, celebrate all of the tiny things we so constantly fail to give a second glance. to celebrate the balloons and flowers he cherished in his tender hands, celebrate life and love itself.
the Father labored and toiled for six days to bless and cultivate everything that is around us, and rested when He saw His work was good.
brady labored and toiled for six years to the very day, blessing and cultivating everything that is around us. it was good. and he is finally resting.
someday all that's crazy, all that's unexplained will be beautiful, beautiful. someday all that's hazy through a clouded glass will be clear at last. and sometimes we're just waiting for someday. we're just waiting.
now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely... // 1 corinthians 13:12

the farewell tour.

okay addison, i'm copying some of your creativity today! slipping into another january is always an exciting, unknown moment. and, being my retrospective self, i'd like to pass along a few things that made this year what it was. i have a whole new appreciation for the past twelve months after looking back at this list. =)

• began my second semester of college with a break-up i thought would surely kill me
• took my first class in the honors program at obu
• maintained a 4.0
• initiated my last year as an official teen in february
• experienced further heartbreak from my first love
• attended the memorial service of his precious little cousin on my birthday
• realized i had the most loving and supportive friends and family [once again] as a result of my darkest hour
• spent priceless weekends with family who had been on the west coast for far too long :]
• had a good ole red dirt night at a randy rogers band concert with my best hometown friends
• initiated into the phi eta sigma national honor society
• continued serving with switch at lifechurch.tv and discovered amazing ministry opportunities
• went on a mission trip to eureka springs with my switch kids
• helped construct a kickin' gravel driveway on said mission trip =)
• drove to phoenix with my sister, niece, and mom, and watched my sweet cousin marry his soulmate under palm trees
• got published in the bison
• played on a few slot machines with my mom and her best friend from college, hehehe
• experienced a medical scare that tested me financially and spiritually
• watched my brother successfully run his second full marathon - complete with hand-painted signs and loud cheers at almost every mile marker =)
• received scholarships that were blissfully unexpected
• watched a dear friend from back home graduate and accomplish great things
• craved an apology which i was sure would fix everything
• served as a team leader for the first time at super summer
• received the apology i had been craving, and remained unsatisfied
• lived in edmond for a summer
• became a member of the lifechurch.tv prayer team
• saw another close friend marry the sweetest girl in all of texas
• worked at a new place may through august and met splendid new people
• began doing on-stage activities at switch
• witnessed the greatest fireworks show of my life on independence day
• served as a sponsor for the first time at falls creek
• went to the mountain view-gotebo free fair and saw many old friends
• started serving at fuse
• began my third semester of college
• caught the domestic bug
• started teaching conversation classes with the international students at obu
• became the switch what's next coordinator
• began a new job at the wellness center
• went on a retreat with sweet friends and opened up my heart
• participated in my first race for the cure with my family
• spent fall break with my mom on a girls' trip to branson
• published in the bison again
• voted in my first presidential election
• learned how to play texas-hold-'em
• learned my sister is pregnant again!
• survived my first semester of western civ with an a
• realized i won't find happiness if i won't let go
• rekindled an old, dear friendship
• wrote a blues song =)
• learned a few french phrases
• maintained a 4.0 again
• discovered a love for the food network
• played the heck out of hungry hungry hippos with my precious nieces

queen-sized love.

my sister's beautiful, gargantuan home in edmond allows me to call a queen sized bed my own for breaks and weekends - and boy, was i relishing it last night, y'all. at 10:45, after soundly slumbering for almost one precious hour, i hear my bedroom door softly open.
"peanut?
"yes?"
"i need to go potty. and i need new panties and pajamas. will you take me to the potty and tuck me back in?"
a slight groan from my cozy spot emerges. "okay, babe."
kaitlyn and i head to her jungle-themed bathroom, take care of business, and retrieve fresh pj's and dora undies from the dresser.
"can bob sleep in my bed tonight too?"
"sure thing."
bob, a soft and oversized easter bunny, joins kaitlyn under the flannel covers and gets tucked in as well. kisses and many requests to play duck-duck-goose in the morning ensue - from kaitlyn, of course. not bob. anyway, with a successful retucking under my belt, i return to a warm doze. and at 10:55, i hear my bedroom door softly open once again.
"peanut?"
"yes?"
"i can't sleep. and bob is making it where i can't sleep."
"do you want to snuggle with me tonight?
"yes."
"climb in, babe."
my own miniature spooning partner makes herself at home in the small of my back, and throughout the night proceeds to slowly push me out of my once seemingly big bed. as the early morning rolls in and sunlight begins to peak through the wooden blinds, my niece begins to wiggle around and demonstrate her awakenness.
"i love you so much, peanut."
and that, my friends, makes an evening of hanging off the side of a bed with a three-year-old ensuring your position there all worth it. :]

on prayer, fear, and love that won't let go.

i have so much to say and so little ability with which to articulate it all. amidst a busy weekend of studying for what just might be the death of me, a welcomed break came in the form of such a familiar routine today: church. [i know, routine is such an awful word to describe the assembly of His body, but don't you agree that at times we allow it to get that way? i'll add that to an ever-growing list of things to erradicate for 2009.] i love my church and have invested alot of time and effort into the goings-on there that i am passionate about. this particular morning evoked such a tidal wave of emotions that i certainly was not expecting, and i fear that if i do not take the time to record it all, it will soon become just another sunday that i pack away into a box. so, here goes.
the worship set was gorgeous-as always-with an unplugged version of some of my favorite christmas songs. i had almost forgotten this was the weekend for child dedications, though, and as the first noel began its first few chords, couples began assembling on the stage with their precious babies and toddlers in tow. the entire concept of dedicating one's life to raising his or her child in the ways of God and making that commitment publically is so radically wonderful. i couldn't stop smiling at the sweet baby girl who looked in kelly and i's direction as her mom bounced her softly, and i almost thought happy tears were going to flow if i didn't swallow that lump in my throat. but then i felt a twinge of sadness, envy even. i stared at all of the beautiful couples and their perfect gifts and wondered if i would ever get to stand in their shoes. this is a fear which plagues me almost daily, in which i picture myself perpetually unwed and, as surely will follow, alone. my joy for my siblings' and friends' families sometimes turns to an embarassing, private jealousy and sorrow for what i fear i may never get to experience.
the message, i then thought, would surely take my mind off of this little fear. we started our second week of a phenomenal series on prayer, and as i began circling the verses we referenced, God peeled back my blinders to new truths i needed to understand. craig told us that our relationships with others have a huge impact on our prayer life. simple, right? but i, presumed to be semi-mature in the realm of spiritual things, never before considered how my grudges effect my communication with God. mark 11:25 says, "but when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." oh brother. so this means i have to let go of the things he did and said that continue to cause my heart so much hurt? will You empower me to release my bitterness for this heartache and forgive him? my mind raced and was, at the same time, filled with peace. the next part of the message led us to proverbs, where He confronted me with a verse that wasn't even part of our study! proverbs 16:1 spoke directly to the fear i let steal my joy earlier during worship: "we can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer." my plans of marriage and motherhood may or may not be in His framework for my life, and ultimately it is His answer to that prayer that is right. oh brother againnnnn.
next came fuse, the fifth and sixth grade ministry i and my college friends serve with after our own church experience. what was the message in there about? fear. that's right. triple whammy. at the conclusion of the video teaching, brian asked if we would allow our fear to keep us from experiencing the adventures of life that are right before us. no, i thought, no they won't. i still strongly desire to fall in love again and have it last forever, to bring children into a home of faith and love. but i also have to accept that whether or not that falls in line with God's plan for my life, i will be okay.
so, while i may have a few tears in the shower tonight, i will eventually wipe them away and remember that God did not give me a spirit of fear or timidity. i will try my darndest to play with and love on my nieces without pausing to remind myself that i may never have a daughter of my own. i will go to my friends' beautiful weddings and not feel heavy-hearted at the possibility i may never wear that dress. i will remember that i have an amazing circle of family and dear friends who give me constant laughter, and a future that will likely bring me more adventure than i can fathom now. and i will realize that the greatest Love of all has been mine all along.