the c-word.

long time, no see. :) my spontaneous absence from this little corner has made me antsy, and with so much going on this semester, i have more to say now than perhaps ever before. but one week ago today, things changed.
i learned my mom has breast cancer.
i swear, it was as if someone had hit me in the chest and taken the breath right out of me.
and then, i came to my senses.
this is no reason to begin doubting His sovereignty. this is no situation over which He is not already in control. and this is certainly no time to forget that He is a God of victory.
the odds are completely in our favor, both literally and figuratively. the cancer is limited to one area, and the fact that my sister is a top-notch mammographer has given us a distinct advantage in understanding which way to go next. :)
this is the beginning of the story: some days, i still get sad. i still want to cry alone in the shower some nights, and i have my moments where i feel alone and helpless. i would love nothing more than to be at all of my mom's appointments and feel as if i'm making myself useful in her fight. i want to go home. i'm angry that her life is being disrupted and that she faces treatment options that are less than enjoyable.
this is the end of the story: next year, our family will run at race for the cure as we do every fall. this time, we'll get to watch our mom walk the survivor's lap.

to keep up with more specific ways you can pray for my sweet mama, go here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=180170654248&ref=mf

sweet baby girl.

what a day it's been! first thing's first - niece number four has arrived! little miss ari jade made an early debut this morning at 9:16, weighing in at 5 pounds 12 ounces and measuring 19 inches. after waiting several long hours for the nicu to clear her respitory monitoring, the entire phillips clan gathered to bathe her, hold her, and ooh and ahh at her every breath. what a glorious, glorious day. :)
i completed my sophomore year of college yesterday and set out for my sister's home just in time to hear her say, "i think i'm in labor!" that's right, aunt peanut was the lucky one to chauffer her big sister to mercy. :D tiny job, yes i know, but it was also the one instant i sped and felt pleased with myself for it. be jealous.
after a grueling and extremely brave labor lasting well over 16 hours, my sweet sister gave us another gorgeous baby girl. i'm so so proud of them both. :)

ballet lessons.

call me crazy, but i think i'm possibly insanely biased toward my three precious nieces. these last three and a half years, i've found myself scrambling to etch all of their little moments and eccentricities into memory so that, as my siblings and parents so affectionately do with me, i can relay them to the older versions of sydni, zoey, and kaitlyn. par example, kaitlyn is terrified of automatic flushers in public restrooms. she will refuse to do her business - or, at the very least, complete it with her fingers in her ears - if the toilet flushes without her consent. she also has an imaginary brother named carson who lives at the circus. :) i'll never forget the time that i asked my mom to pluck my out of control eyebrows, and sydni and zoey began to sob and beg her to stop because they were convinced i was in pain (which we all know is truuue). sydni is also in a phase of adoration for that nasty arm & hammer toothpaste with baking soda. she claims it's "nice and minty". priceless. :)
so, of course, this brings me to yet another opportunity for bragging on one of my girls. last week at kaitlyn's ballet practice, one of the little girls in her group had an accident in the studio. as my sister scrambled to help the girl's mom clean up, kaitlyn did an amazing job of getting the other dancers to shift their focus away from the embrassing moment. she marched right up to the little girl, put an arm around her, and announced, "it's alright, i sometimes have accidents too."
what a kid.

kitchen courage.

wanna hear a good story?

thought so.

my family is all about reminding one another to "make good choices," and if you've ever heard me talk to my nieces on the telephone, you know this is something my siblings ask me to reaffirm during everyday conversations. in between time-outs and crying episodes over missing any action with a nap, good choices are still a big chunk of their conduct. my girls are so sweet and brilliant, and i couldn't wait to jot this story down to show you just how valid my bias is. :)

earlier this week, as my sister picked up kaitlyn belle from pre-school, kaitlyn very quickly admitted, "mom, i made a bad choice today. i was mean to emily and wouldn't share while we were playing at the kitchen."

my sister, who has always prided herself on talking to kaitlyn in a very mature manner, thanked her for her honesty and explained how important it was to make things right by apologizing to emily the following day.

"but mom, i'm scared." here is where miss belle apparently had a very grief-stricken expression on her face. sweet girl.

"i know, honey. it's sometimes hard and scary to ask someone to forgive you, but it's the right thing to do. you'll be so proud of yourself when it's done."

though it took my sweet girl another day to work up the courage to approach emily at the play-kitchen area, she couldn't wait to tell her proud mama the results.

"mom! i apologized to emily today! she hugged me and told me, 'it's okay - we're still best friends'!"

oh, to be three years old again and have the world fall into place while playing house. i'm so proud.

what would our lives look like if we weren't afraid to admit transgression and ask for someone's forgiveness?

twenty.

it's true. as of yesterday, i am no longer a teen. :-D and i owe an extravagant and joyous birthday weekend to my dear friends here at obu - and my sweet mama who sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. i cannot wait to snap a photo of it once all of the buds bloom!

well, in case you ever wanted to know what goes on during one's birthday in our circle of friends, here is the inside look.

a lively bunch at abuelita rosa's serenaded me friday evening. i could not contain me glee!

kelly and addison are perhaps two of the most precious people i know. after pigging out with jake and some new guy on the baseball team, we retired to watch an andy warhol bio that left us puzzled.

even the colonel decided to get in on the fun.

mmhmm.

last night capped off the elaborate weekend, as we cheered on our obu bison at the basketball game, then took over the local chili's with kelly, addi, moi, sebastien, anastasia, curtis, kyle, katie, and taylor d. [yes, i am aware you know none of these individuals, but listing them like that makes it look like i have an entourage.]

i am so blessed.

the farewell tour.

okay addison, i'm copying some of your creativity today! slipping into another january is always an exciting, unknown moment. and, being my retrospective self, i'd like to pass along a few things that made this year what it was. i have a whole new appreciation for the past twelve months after looking back at this list. =)

• began my second semester of college with a break-up i thought would surely kill me
• took my first class in the honors program at obu
• maintained a 4.0
• initiated my last year as an official teen in february
• experienced further heartbreak from my first love
• attended the memorial service of his precious little cousin on my birthday
• realized i had the most loving and supportive friends and family [once again] as a result of my darkest hour
• spent priceless weekends with family who had been on the west coast for far too long :]
• had a good ole red dirt night at a randy rogers band concert with my best hometown friends
• initiated into the phi eta sigma national honor society
• continued serving with switch at lifechurch.tv and discovered amazing ministry opportunities
• went on a mission trip to eureka springs with my switch kids
• helped construct a kickin' gravel driveway on said mission trip =)
• drove to phoenix with my sister, niece, and mom, and watched my sweet cousin marry his soulmate under palm trees
• got published in the bison
• played on a few slot machines with my mom and her best friend from college, hehehe
• experienced a medical scare that tested me financially and spiritually
• watched my brother successfully run his second full marathon - complete with hand-painted signs and loud cheers at almost every mile marker =)
• received scholarships that were blissfully unexpected
• watched a dear friend from back home graduate and accomplish great things
• craved an apology which i was sure would fix everything
• served as a team leader for the first time at super summer
• received the apology i had been craving, and remained unsatisfied
• lived in edmond for a summer
• became a member of the lifechurch.tv prayer team
• saw another close friend marry the sweetest girl in all of texas
• worked at a new place may through august and met splendid new people
• began doing on-stage activities at switch
• witnessed the greatest fireworks show of my life on independence day
• served as a sponsor for the first time at falls creek
• went to the mountain view-gotebo free fair and saw many old friends
• started serving at fuse
• began my third semester of college
• caught the domestic bug
• started teaching conversation classes with the international students at obu
• became the switch what's next coordinator
• began a new job at the wellness center
• went on a retreat with sweet friends and opened up my heart
• participated in my first race for the cure with my family
• spent fall break with my mom on a girls' trip to branson
• published in the bison again
• voted in my first presidential election
• learned how to play texas-hold-'em
• learned my sister is pregnant again!
• survived my first semester of western civ with an a
• realized i won't find happiness if i won't let go
• rekindled an old, dear friendship
• wrote a blues song =)
• learned a few french phrases
• maintained a 4.0 again
• discovered a love for the food network
• played the heck out of hungry hungry hippos with my precious nieces

queen-sized love.

my sister's beautiful, gargantuan home in edmond allows me to call a queen sized bed my own for breaks and weekends - and boy, was i relishing it last night, y'all. at 10:45, after soundly slumbering for almost one precious hour, i hear my bedroom door softly open.
"peanut?
"yes?"
"i need to go potty. and i need new panties and pajamas. will you take me to the potty and tuck me back in?"
a slight groan from my cozy spot emerges. "okay, babe."
kaitlyn and i head to her jungle-themed bathroom, take care of business, and retrieve fresh pj's and dora undies from the dresser.
"can bob sleep in my bed tonight too?"
"sure thing."
bob, a soft and oversized easter bunny, joins kaitlyn under the flannel covers and gets tucked in as well. kisses and many requests to play duck-duck-goose in the morning ensue - from kaitlyn, of course. not bob. anyway, with a successful retucking under my belt, i return to a warm doze. and at 10:55, i hear my bedroom door softly open once again.
"peanut?"
"yes?"
"i can't sleep. and bob is making it where i can't sleep."
"do you want to snuggle with me tonight?
"yes."
"climb in, babe."
my own miniature spooning partner makes herself at home in the small of my back, and throughout the night proceeds to slowly push me out of my once seemingly big bed. as the early morning rolls in and sunlight begins to peak through the wooden blinds, my niece begins to wiggle around and demonstrate her awakenness.
"i love you so much, peanut."
and that, my friends, makes an evening of hanging off the side of a bed with a three-year-old ensuring your position there all worth it. :]

on prayer, fear, and love that won't let go.

i have so much to say and so little ability with which to articulate it all. amidst a busy weekend of studying for what just might be the death of me, a welcomed break came in the form of such a familiar routine today: church. [i know, routine is such an awful word to describe the assembly of His body, but don't you agree that at times we allow it to get that way? i'll add that to an ever-growing list of things to erradicate for 2009.] i love my church and have invested alot of time and effort into the goings-on there that i am passionate about. this particular morning evoked such a tidal wave of emotions that i certainly was not expecting, and i fear that if i do not take the time to record it all, it will soon become just another sunday that i pack away into a box. so, here goes.
the worship set was gorgeous-as always-with an unplugged version of some of my favorite christmas songs. i had almost forgotten this was the weekend for child dedications, though, and as the first noel began its first few chords, couples began assembling on the stage with their precious babies and toddlers in tow. the entire concept of dedicating one's life to raising his or her child in the ways of God and making that commitment publically is so radically wonderful. i couldn't stop smiling at the sweet baby girl who looked in kelly and i's direction as her mom bounced her softly, and i almost thought happy tears were going to flow if i didn't swallow that lump in my throat. but then i felt a twinge of sadness, envy even. i stared at all of the beautiful couples and their perfect gifts and wondered if i would ever get to stand in their shoes. this is a fear which plagues me almost daily, in which i picture myself perpetually unwed and, as surely will follow, alone. my joy for my siblings' and friends' families sometimes turns to an embarassing, private jealousy and sorrow for what i fear i may never get to experience.
the message, i then thought, would surely take my mind off of this little fear. we started our second week of a phenomenal series on prayer, and as i began circling the verses we referenced, God peeled back my blinders to new truths i needed to understand. craig told us that our relationships with others have a huge impact on our prayer life. simple, right? but i, presumed to be semi-mature in the realm of spiritual things, never before considered how my grudges effect my communication with God. mark 11:25 says, "but when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." oh brother. so this means i have to let go of the things he did and said that continue to cause my heart so much hurt? will You empower me to release my bitterness for this heartache and forgive him? my mind raced and was, at the same time, filled with peace. the next part of the message led us to proverbs, where He confronted me with a verse that wasn't even part of our study! proverbs 16:1 spoke directly to the fear i let steal my joy earlier during worship: "we can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer." my plans of marriage and motherhood may or may not be in His framework for my life, and ultimately it is His answer to that prayer that is right. oh brother againnnnn.
next came fuse, the fifth and sixth grade ministry i and my college friends serve with after our own church experience. what was the message in there about? fear. that's right. triple whammy. at the conclusion of the video teaching, brian asked if we would allow our fear to keep us from experiencing the adventures of life that are right before us. no, i thought, no they won't. i still strongly desire to fall in love again and have it last forever, to bring children into a home of faith and love. but i also have to accept that whether or not that falls in line with God's plan for my life, i will be okay.
so, while i may have a few tears in the shower tonight, i will eventually wipe them away and remember that God did not give me a spirit of fear or timidity. i will try my darndest to play with and love on my nieces without pausing to remind myself that i may never have a daughter of my own. i will go to my friends' beautiful weddings and not feel heavy-hearted at the possibility i may never wear that dress. i will remember that i have an amazing circle of family and dear friends who give me constant laughter, and a future that will likely bring me more adventure than i can fathom now. and i will realize that the greatest Love of all has been mine all along.

keeping me alive.

i really want to rip my hair out.

or just rip up my textbooks.
either one.
finals will convene this coming monday, and i am nothing short of terrified and optimistic. nice combo, eh? i do believe western civilization might bring about my before-20th-birthday nervous breakdown, and i still cannot feel anything less than love for the class. it is difficult, it is demanding, and it is passion-evoking at every end. i have learned so much and been challenged more in this course than any other. it is a year-long class which synthesizes history and literature, and is a unique thread of obu, and to pass it by even if i were able would be such a mistake. so, as i cram a semester's worth of the roman empire, paradise lost, and the enlightenment into my brain - along with a little french, art history, and the synoptic Gospels - i will remember to stop and rejoice in the small, lovely things too. would you like to hear of them? i thought so.
after spending a sleepless night listening to the wind howl like a banshee through my semi-broken window, my roommate and i will tonight be the proud occupants of a silent night, thanks to a campus maintenance guy with some mean sealant. our dorm's hot water is up and at 'em again too! rejoice! i have renewed hope now. :]
did i mention my siblings are wildly talented and successful in every way? my sister, who was also ranked as one of the top ten mammographers in the nation for two consecutive years, won a prestigious award at her new company, oklahoma breast care center, last night. after only being their director of patient care for the past year, she has already turned the program around. i'm so proud of her. she did the same thing at her former center in seattle, so anything less than greatness is unknown to her. =) my brother, who is on our governor's security detail, will accompany him to the presidential inaugural ball in january - how amazing is that?! i'm so proud of him as well. here is a photograph of our family, minus dad and my brother-in-law who is behind the camera, at my brother's first marathon last year. ain't we cute? knowing i will always be able to come home to these faces, one way or another, keeps me alive.

sweet potatoes & sweet surprises.

my goodness - is it honestly already december? despite my great love for this school, it was a smidge difficult to drag myself back to campus after such a splendid break. this thanksgiving brought me...

• some much needed time spent with my precious family. it feels like years since i have seen my father, though in all actuality it's only been the few months since this semester began. i love that man yet always want to roll my eyes at him at the same time. it was good to hug his neck, though, and a rare compliment even leaked out from him about my cooking - now that is a moment to remember, folks! [here's a free tidbit for you - while discussing his technological illiteracy, dad told us that he still refuses to use a gradebook for his classes on the computer, and instead compells his school's computer teacher to do it for him. naturally, we wondered what sort of compensation he gives her for this kind service to an old man. "i pay her in turnips," he said matter-of-factly. "turnips? really, dad?" laughter then ensued. "well that, and any other fresh vegetable i have." hehehe. and he said it all with a straight face. i love this man. it just goes to show you how simple and sweet small town life can be.] it should also be known that my mama and daddy are the best parents one could ever hope to have. i am extremely, without a doubt, overwhelmingly blessed.
• texas hold 'em. that's right, i now know how to play a poker game. what a great skill to bring back to my christian college! this newfound pasttime should, by no means, suggest i am at all good at this intense sport. but i am working on my poker face from now on. if i fail to laugh at something insanely funny, be assured that it's only practice.
• a glorious family announcement. i'm going to be an aunt again!!! my sweet sister is twelve weeks pregnant with her second child, and i am so so happy to have another little one on his or her way to us. kaitlyn, my sisters three year old daughter, shared the happy news as we sat down to our meal with the following prayer: thank you for the food, thank you for our family, and thank you for the baby in my mommy's belly. weeeeeeeeeee! i firmly suspect i will have my first nephew next june. call it a hunch, but i'm pretty good with those! with my three nieces, i have a feeling he will have no shortage of bosses around. :]
• did i mention i make a mean sweet potato casserole? i too did not know this until thursday, but apparently i have quite a knack for the squash-related dishes. besides my established task of making the pumpkin pies, i decided to try this recipe out. it was quite a hit!

sweet potato casserole

ingredients:
2 pounds sweet potatoes (3 cups mashed)
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
4 tablespoons melted butter
topping:
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
4 tablespoons melted butter
1/2 cup chopped pecans
scrub sweet potatoes and cut in half if large. bake in their jackets until tender. cool; slip the peels off and mash well. stir in sugar and salt. whisk together the eggs, milk, vanilla, and 4 tablespoons melted butter. stir into the mashed sweet potato mixture until smooth and well blended. spoon the mixture into a lightly buttered 2-quart baking dish. combine remaining ingredients for the topping; sprinkle over the sweet potato mixture. bake at 350° for 35 to 45 minutes.

how was your thanksgiving? do you have any new or old favorite thanksgiving foods?

on patience, love, and taming tongues.

so, i have a stupid question for you. is there something you have said that you instantly regretted once it left your lips? we all have, i know. so why is it so easy to forget the power of our words? there's a charlie hall song that says the power of Your words are filled with grace and mercy. God's words are nothing but edifying and true. should we not, then, strive to season our powerful words with the same grace and mercy as He does? this is a goal i must put my whole being into if i want to radically change my own life and the lives of others for His sake.

this past saturday, the day after halloween, i got to spend precious time with these faces.

zoey grace

sydni kate

kaitlyn belle

these are my nieces, given to me by the greatest brother and sister the universe has ever known. [a little bias is okay, right?] while they and their spouses attended a good ole pokes football game, my sweet mother and i got to spend the day with the girls. we munched on leftover halloween candy, watched some tom & jerry, jumped on the trampoline, went to cici's for pizza, and made a brief shopping trip to wally world. they're all three years old at the moment, and were so remarkably good for us throughout the day. but, of course, restlessness set in around the sock and hosery aisle of wal-mart. no one wanted to stay in the cart anymore, but they weren't too keen on the idea of walking while holding hands for safety either. their hearing also suddenly became impaired, for listening to grandma and aunt peanut was now impossible. it was three against two. patience - which is such an ugly word to me some days - was about to run out by the time we arrived at the bread aisle, and in the middle of three toddlers running rampant and making noise in excess, i looked at my mother and exhaustively said: i'm never having kids!

i didn't, of course, mean a single word of that sentence, yet i said it anyway. there is nothing my sweet girls could ever say or do to truly deter me from being a mom one day. my response to their restless energy was definitely not filled with grace and mercy. shame on me. that night, my sister-in-law emailed both my mom and i to thank us once again for watching all the girls. her words were so special and so humbling.

thank you, thank you, thank you so much for watching the girls and taking them to cici's and shopping! you are brave
people. we appreciate it tremendously and the girls have a lot of fun with you. it means so much to us to have family willing to babysit. taylor, i hope one day we can repay the favor by watching your children!

later, she sent another email just to me: just wanted to add...thanks for being so good with the girls. not all college aged coeds would be as patient and good natured as you. love you, kathy and warren, sydni and zoey

my heart dropped. what beautiful words for her to speak into us, and what a way to humble my previous attitude of anything-but-patience at the same time. i learned my lesson. my words affect others. my impatience affects others. it's about time that i pondered those two truths more, don't you think?

a word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!
it only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. a careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. by our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it... [james 3:4-6, the message]

things i've learned lately.

• mike mcclure said it best with "those who know don't say much, and those who don't know talk all the time." who ever said red dirt music isn't philosophical?
• one is never too old to be tucked in at night. =)
• sweet potato butter is one of the greatest things the amish could ever give us.
• purchasing gas for $2.04 per gallon can, in fact, be an adrenaline rush and a cause for celebration.
• my sweet hometown seems to have more of an effect on me now that i'm away than it did when i was growing up. i was so blessed.
• there is no better sound than hearing "you're my best peanut nutters" from my niece, kaitlyn belle. what a wonderful nickname. :]
• the long awaited apology which i was sure would heal my heart for good wasn't nearly as monumental as i had hoped. but i have every reason to believe i will get through this. i will heal.
• my past - and even painful things in the present - can and will be used as a powerful story.
• a little culture would probably do me a world of good, hehe.
• the future seems so exciting to me these days! whether i am thinking about a life overseas or simply planning my class schedule for next spring, i am filled with such a wild hope for the days/months/years to come.
• collecting antique editions of the classics and old cookbooks is apparently a new endeavor of mine! this, combined with my fervor for coupon clipping, driving the speed limit, and going to bed early probably means i'm already a grandma-in-progress.
• i am realizing how unready i really am for many of the things i think i want.
• so many things about me are unique. please understand that i say this not in jest or boasting, but in amazement at His blessing!
• the musical term "recapitulation" intimidates me. thank you, leonard bernstein.
• people always surprise me. this truth can be so humbling.
• dr. thunder really does taste just as good!!

life in a northern town.

ah hey ma ma ma heyyyy ah
life in a northern town…

couldn’t tell ya why that song’s in my head, but it’s fixed there nonetheless! i’m spending a few days of fall break with my sweet mama in branson, home of gorgeous foliage, winding hills, and a population of rampaging, retired tourists. yes, i said it: america’s elderly have all seemed to follow us here on their charter busses this week, and they’re on a mission to experience this town with full force. so, word to the wise: if a group of older women in matching pantsuits walk toward you in a determined manner, do not - i repeat - do not impede their path to the jim stafford gift shop. phew. i’m exhausted just thinking about it.
we’ve had a wonderful time just relaxing, looking through antique shops, and lolly-gagging downtown. we conned someone into taking this picture of us down by the lake at an area called “the landing” today. ain’t them leaves pretty?




oh, and i couldn’t help but capture this from a hotel marquee on the yellow route. i’m gonna go ahead and interpret these words as being all one needs in life to be happy. =) [although, i'd definitely place biscuits and gravy above wireless internet, thank you.]

fall break for an obu student isn’t without homework, however, and i’ve spent all of tonight poured over books and “scholarly articles” for my upcoming civ paper on iconoclasm in the byzantine empire. don’t be fooled by the luscious vocabulary of my previous sentence - i have no idea what i’m doing. but i have spit out an outline for myself [and dr. sanders], which should make this whole history thing a bit simpler. do you like history? does it bore or excite you to discover things about the past? tonight, i’m just not sure which of those applies to me. hehe.