anger, plain and simple.

this will probably be the most difficult entry i've written thus far.
i cried, and sobbed, and sniffled my way through this ten minute segment of oprah last night. it was late, i had just gotten out of the shower, and was checking channel 5 one last time for school closing updates - and certainly wasn't expecting to watch an intervention. i wish i could find the actual video for you to watch. i wish you could see the raw emotion in these teenagers' words and cries. because i see so much of myself in their stories. from first grade through this morning, pieces of my struggle are echoed in theirs.
as a part of the obesity intervention being conducted with a group of teenagers and their parents, the kids were asked to come to the middle of the circle and complete this statement: "i'm angry that..." you cannot imagine what poured out of them from there. i wept for their sorrow, i wept for how liberated they must have felt as they let these things escape their lips for the first time. i wept for their parents who were stunned and heartbroken. "i'm angry that i had to ask someone to prom." "i'm angry that my mom is my best friend, my only best friend." "i'm angry that my dad left on my birthday." "i'm angry that when i see pictures of myself i just want to rip them up." "i'm angry that i'd rather be dead than overweight."
i crawled in bed after having seen enough, and couldn't doze off until i rolled through my own mini mental list. please don't misunderstand me: i know as one who is free in Christ that anger should not rule my heart, and i assure you it no longer does. but i'm still scarred by instances in the past, and i absolutely feel that a stage of anger is necessary to heal and move forward. in order to know me authentically, you must understand where i have been. if you're ready for that, then the following list may give you a glimpse. and who knows, it may even free you up to vocalize your own. :] 'cause believe me, it feels good.
i'm angry that there are no pictures of me smiling during my middle school years. i'm angry that there are barely any pictures of me from then at all. i'm angry that my mom had to cut out the tags of my t-shirts to stop the girls at school from reaching in to proclaim my size to everyone. i'm angry that i had to ask someone to prom too. i'm angry that when my co-workers begin talking about looks and what it means to be attractive, that i shrink in my chair and shut my mouth for fear they're all thinking the same thing: taylor wouldn't know anything about that. i'm angry that i fear my husband will take one look at me on our wedding night and change his mind. i'm angry that i constantly fear i'll never even get married at all. i'm angry that i gave in because i thought that was the best it would ever be for me. i'm angry that i loathe shopping for clothes because nothing ever looks good in the dressing room mirror. i'm angry that i lost thirty-five pounds my senior year of high school but still haven't met my goal weight. i'm angry that i have the tools and knowledge to change that, and yet i don't. i'm angry that i allowed comments and torments from kids at school to influence my opinion of myself. i'm angry that i never feel full. i'm angry that i gave up basketball because of the things people said to me during practice. i'm angry that my gorgeous senior photos were taken before my weight loss - making them not so gorgeous to me sometimes. i'm angry that i assumed being thin meant being happy. i'm angry that i feel out of place in most of my classes. i'm angry that i rarely left my house on friday nights. i'm angry that the people who were so mean to me in school would pretend to be my friends when they wanted something. i'm angry that i let them. i'm angry that i make jokes about my weight for fear i might not beat someone else to it. i'm angry that i rely on others for affirmation. i'm angry that i wasn't a star athlete like the rest of my family. i'm angry that the only think i'm good at is making great grades. i'm angry that even today, kids i serve at church tell me i'm fat. i'm angry that i've wasted so much time thinking about my weight.


Anonymous said...

Feel better? :) I'm glad you're angry. It stirs me up!

I see a beautiful, loving girl that has not yet reached all that God has planned for her...and I'm super excited to watch the continued transformation!

Your willing heart and spirit allows Him to work through you and reach those who are angry and hurting.

Love your passion. Love your compassion. Love YOU! ~Robin

Nicole Knox said...

Sweet Taylor, It makes me so sad that you have been though all this.

But I am proud of you for seeing what you are angry about!!

When I look at you I do not see all the things you wrote about. Love you girl!

Sarah said...

It makes me so sad to hear what you really think of yourself. You have a confidence about you that I wish I had. You are so beautiful and full of life and I love you so much for it! You'll lose your final 35 lbs, I know its frustrating but you'll get it. But don't lose it to throw it in all the peoples' faces that made fun of you over the years, lose it to make yourself feel better and just to be healthier. I'll probably call you later today just because I miss the crap out of you! But I feel like I can be more articulate and intelligent sounding when I type stuff. And when I'm competing with your brains I have to pull out my big guns because lets face it, you have the smarts and the looks and all I've got is the looks and all the personality! Just kidding, you have more personality than I do too. Dangit! And I'm pretty sure you beat me in looks too! But that's okay, you're my wifey poo and I love you and I'll let you beat me in brains, personality and looks any day! Just as long as I'm a close 2nd.

I love you more than I love David Cook and Hugh Jackman combined, and that's a lot baby!


Anonymous said...

I'm angry...that you don't think your beautiful because I do.

taylor said...

=) thank you, nor. that means a lot - you have no idea!
robin and nicole, you gals don't know how much i look up to the both of you. thank you for sharing your hearts and loving on me!
sarah! keep nursing that ankle of yours! love you, sweet thing.

Anonymous said...

< Wink! >

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your sweet & encouraging comment! it means so much to me to know that sharing my story could be an encouragement to someone else ... especially since it is such a difficult thing to talk about & process. praying for you tonight that God would give you peace & continue to heal your heart!

Anonymous said...

ok... so it's me again :) i left you a comment before i read your post.... this time i get to thank YOU for putting words to my heart. i am so encouraged by your willingness to be honest about your struggle with weight & insecurity -- that is still a topic i am terrified of even touching on. your courage is so encouraging & i am thankful for your willingness to share!

Songbird From Shadows said...

I can relate to a lot of your "I'm angry" statements. Praying that God gives your heart peace and that He heal your heart in all those angry places. I pray that He would begin to show you all that He sees in you. I don't know you, but I love your honesty and your willingness to share. :) thank you.

News from the Hood said...

I love you and I know what you mean. I'm really happy that I know you. LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL TAYLOR!

Taylor Hale said...

Don't let ANYONE tell you that you aren't beautiful. Because you are, inside and out. You've taught me a lot about myself in the past months I've known you. Keep being beautiful. God has a plan for you!! :)